someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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