so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
