i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
