You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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