I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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