**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
