those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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