when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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