When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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