I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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