I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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