mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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