my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
