Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
