This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
