I swear she didn't look like that last week.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
