Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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