after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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