I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
