I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
