I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
