We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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