She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
