plz talk dirty to me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
