This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i will never coherently bang her
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
