if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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