i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just found puke in my bra..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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