Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Girls should come with a carfax report
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
