she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
