chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
