Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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