that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
