He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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