but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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