This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
