You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
