Jerry, you need to find god
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
