I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
