do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
