I think I won the penis lottery.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
