You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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