I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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