Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
