i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
