Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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