new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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