I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
