I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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