Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
