the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
