Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
