if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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