Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
